its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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