I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
