No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
