There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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