why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
