evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
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