I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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