Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
