When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
