he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
