god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
