Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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