I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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