Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
