I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
