i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
