Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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