Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
