the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
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