i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
