Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
