What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
