Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
