No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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