i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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