you guys were way drunker than both of me
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
