i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
