I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize