I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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