That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
