final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Houston, we have a squirter
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
