Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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