i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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