I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
