I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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