Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
