I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
