I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Who died my cat blue again?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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