Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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