Swine flu. Run for my life!
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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