There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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