I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
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Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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