My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
