that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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