I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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