brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
