wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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