whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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