Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
