I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
