life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
