I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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