i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
