he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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